Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
At my heart you see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be
There are songs I hear that with the very first chord send me back in time to a moment of clarity, this is one of those songs. I remember sitting in my house watching my brother playing this on guitar. It makes my body yearn to be 19 again. The things that seem to get me down never got to me back then…
My mind has been a blank slate. Every now and again I find that I just cant write anything anymore… It will rain again one day, I know it will come back, but the well I once drank from is dry. Sometimes it lasts for days, sometimes for months.
Its partly my fault, I choose not to indulge in emotional responses I get from people or my surroundings.
In the mean time I’ll be posting music until I can find someone or something to inspire me.
I have found that I live my life by the standards of others, I realised this when I found a reminder for my dads birthday in my phone and a message underneath that read “Don’t forget”. He usually forgets when my birthday is yet I still place high importance on getting his right because I have felt like my family and friends will judge me for not putting in effort to see or at least talk to him on events such as birthdays.
The reality of the situation is my dad is an acquaintance, I see him more by coincidence then purpose.
He has mentioned to my mum before that he never wanted kids. His actions affirm the effort he places on seeing myself and my brothers.
This has never made me bitter or angry. It would be naive to think that the way he has treated me hasn’t shaped small parts of me. The larger parts however, the things about me that people will remember me by are in no way formed by this man.